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http://harald.ist.org/neu/zeugs/VIRUS.TXT

                                 Virus Alert!
                                 ============

Computer users beware of these new computer viruses:

Speed Virus: Puts a bomb on your Local Bus and threatens to detonate
it if it goes below 50 megabits per second.

Captain Kirk Virus: Your computer. Talks. In short. Sentences.
 And you. Don't know why.

Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard drive into a floppy.

Pentium Virus: A stealthing virus that creates numerical errors and
then tries to hide them.

Baseball Virus: Asks the user for more money before it will run.

Schlong Virus: Takes your 3 1/2 inch disk and enlarges it to
a 5 1/4 inch disk.

Reggie Miller Virus: Every time you hit a two he hits a three.

Jolly Rancher Virus: Takes up 3/4 inch by 3/4 inch of you screen.

Gump Virus: You take apart your computer to find nothing but a box
of chocolates inside.

O.J. Simpson Virus: You turn on every monitor in the lab and notice
that his picture is on every one.

Energizer Virus: Once this virus is executed it keeps going and
going and going....

Laboratory Scientist Virus: Runs an experiment that turns your mouse
into a rat.

Bob Villa Virus: Rebuilds your home directory into a multi-level
condo.

Agriculture Virus: Takes your root directory and lets it grow and
branch out into a tree.

Doug Sapp Virus: Files like FTP magically appear on your computer
and it now runs smoothly.

Dungeons and Dragons Virus: Every time you hit a character it lists
its Strength, Dexterity and Hit Points.

Eva J's Virus: Every time you do a warm boot you get a cold boot.

American Express Virus: Claims your VESA card won't be everywhere
you want to be.

Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by LAN,
twice if by C:\.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counselor about the possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just
before the damn thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.

Dan Quayle Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2: There is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe
jsut cant figyour out watt!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides you hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of you computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error.)

Terry Randle Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you chose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other
side for the problem.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up.
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases though Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It stars by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No
new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congressional Virus.

Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self defense."

Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it's programmer will take it back.